dear stargirl,

To the dogs barking outside, locked up in a car from the rain— “I feel ya”. You’re showing me exactly how I feel. Locked up from the elements, unaware of the surroundings… screaming to break free, yet can’t. And all the while, it’s for my greater good. Silly how life kinda works like that. The only eyes that see are the ones outside in the storm.

This snow isn’t sticking. It’s falling hard and wet, and is dispersing into a million droplets on every car and bench and bike and cap and coat. Being transported to a million different places, lives, experiences. So many opinions about this “wretched” “snow”, yet we buck up and brave it because WE HAVE WORK TO DO and A LIFE TO LIVE, et cetera.

—

Watching Ya-Ya’s last night made me cry. It made me miss your weird-ass teeth (what are ass teeth? sounds painful) Also made me realize I have much more than one closet full of ghosts. Oops. Looks like I have one beautiful winter to work through them, though. (read: and a spring, and a summer, and a fall… and a whole cycle more full if necessary)

I think I dreamt you up. I fell headlong into the depths of your life and your face and your sarcasm that would drip so heavy and leave me covered in nothing but a confusion— did I love you? Could I love you? Would you ever love me?

I had gotten to the point where I realized that “love” is what I’m searching for. In every moment. Every breath I’m making, I want to be doing with a greater plan. Sure, breathing for the sake of is a great thing.. but if I can play some small part in it— why not have it be the prettiest thing I can imagine?

After the summer (of 2011) wore me dry and ragged (queue “Summer Skin- DCFC”), I was tired of being chased and accused of not loving. That’s bologna! Have you ever met me? Silly. So I caught onto the coat-tails (oh how I wish you had worn those just once..) of your life, got consumed so quickly, and realized I was as comfy as ever. There wasn’t a chase, but it wasn’t a bad thing. I was exploding with excitement over every conversation, every stolen kiss, every “talk to you soon”… not knowing when it would be, or where either of us would be.

And amidst it all, I told everyone twice-over as much as I told myself (which was a helluva lot) that we were fine and that you were right for me and that I was the one that got through! I was the one that got to date you!, when really I should have been realizing that you were my launching point. You are what taught me what beauty in relationships can be. That endless excitement and zest can actually be attained. So for that, I thank you. I thank you for showing me how easy it is for me to open up myself to love and to others. Without you, I wouldn’t have realized that words are just words— plain & simple. 

—

Fast foreword to sunshine that can exist in winter days. Imagine striped socks & puffy vests. Imagine rosy cheeks & warm lattes. A twangy song on the radio, mixed with the sound of the passing train. That’s my current. And that’s amazingly all that I can figure out right now. If you’ve ever been forced into a corner, then you’d be able to relate to me right about now. This winter has been tugging at me to a point where I have little resistance left in me. 

I’m being offered a trip to a foreign land, being told too frequently by Curly Moe & Larry that they “love, love, love me”, and have worked every last moment of every last day. I’m exhausted, have little to show for it, and at the end of each day am still head over feet for Portland. This city breathes a deep warmth of spirit into me that no person ever has.  

I love how this city is a big, Little city. I’m finally getting to the point where faces are familiar, and not just in one part of towne. I’ve found a restaurant who’s bar I can call home. Developed habits, not only have routine, but even monthly standards. This is the life that I was needing & dreaming of when I left the hustle & craze of my previous dwelling. I was overly committed to people (that I knew, and didn’t), things, locations, church, my job, my family… you name it. If you could commit to it, I did. And with 110%. 

But then it all started to backfire. It’s one thing to be loved, but to have to work for something on a daily basis? That takes more time than you could ever fathom. I had gotten to a point where I didn’t spread my self too thin, but the opposite: too thick. Cared too much, had too much.. and ultimately, had to give it all away.

The reality of this was all setting in December/January of 2011. Had just recently started dating a beautiful soul. Had just returned to the Valley of the Sun from the Land of Rain. Was enamored with everything the PNW had to offer. And everything He had to offer me. Started traveling, started spinning. All the while realizing how unhappy I was in my natural climate. Didn’t have a set path clear of how to vacate such. Panic & confusion, but then the lightning struck— and the clouds broke.

April 4th, my best friend had to fire me from my job. I laughed (it was exactly what I needed), announced I was moving to Portland within the month. She cried, my life began to quicken even more. When I arrived in Portland, I was so unsure of what I’d done. I don’t think it was super apparent to anyone, but I had pennies to pinch together when I got here, and no set idea on how to remedy that.

I tried the whole “walk around, look for hiring sings” tactic. Resulted in few interviews, and even fewer job options. Talked it out with close loves, realized a common thread larger than that of crafts & adventure: children, nannying. It made so much sense, once it was spelled out. What did I care about more than my being? My siblings. They’re beautiful individuals, and not just because they’re related to me— but because they can show me thru their eyes what living is all about. It’s about the beauty in the small & almost insignificant moments.

—

Fast forward yet again. I’ve travelled to Phoenix for a week. My days revolved around ride establishing (on account of no car) and meet-up making. I wouldn’t be “Sammich” if I wasn’t still meeting up with twitter-atti while in towne, or also planning get togethers at local hot-spots. Thankful to have such a wonderful community in the Valley. So happy to return to it so frequently.

But this trip wasn’t just for my birthday. I paraded behind that reasoning for a good portion of it, but the people who know me well could see straight thru it. I was clearly running from the gloom & reality that is Portland currently. It’s a beautiful winter, but it’s wearing me thin. And it’s not just the weather. Sure, not being able to see the horizon for X amount of days takes its toll on ones psyche. You have to break away from it at some point, and my “birthday vacation” to Phoenix was just that.

The opportunity to take approximately a week off from work presented itself, and I leapt at it. But as my plans unfolded themselves, my best friend’s unhappiness exploded from within. Her dream job wasn’t working out, and the new start that she had imagined in the PNW wasn’t as golden & new as she had dreamed of. So, in an act of partial insanity & partial desperation, she decided to return to the Valley of the Sun. I told her to chase her happiness, and it was settled.. 12 hours before I was set to fly out.

We packed the pug in her civic around 5a on Monday, and set off for the closest Starbucks.

—-

The Valley of the Sun isn’t a place where you go to fall in love. It isn’t a vacation spot where the spring of life gives your body renewal & you return home with a new outlook. It’s where your body goes to lay to rest. As morbid as that sounds, it’s the truth. 

see something you want changed, change it. if you don’t, the moment its recognized.. you’re donefor.

just because you’re gone really doesn’t mean that you’re gone. don’t fight me on this. this isn’t for you, this part is for me. you left. you’re gone. you want to be alone. you like being alone.

well, do you like being happy? are you happy? that’s all i want to know— that’s all that i want.

i just want your thumbs, again. to run my hands thru the back of your hair. grazing your neck. you were always like a puppy. that was my favourite. i could take you all in for what you were, there. present. didn’t have to feel silly for it. your lips. i’ll miss them. they’re so poised.. and so hidden.

that’s really it, as well. the fact that i know i was close-in. that there wasn’t much surrounding me, you didn’t let much else pass & get that deep. (but who’s to say i even managed to skim anything?)

who’s to say that i won’t ever be there again?

//

i’ll finish this later. aka, it’s gonna be awhile.

• butter & fluff
• best buddies
• penpals
• database
• Mary & Max

if only we had gone home together, and made it all better.
but i know that wasn’t your goal. and i know that i upset you.

my eyes hurt so badly.
but my heart seems quite resilient right now.

did i exhaust myself loving you? 

or am i?

i get to fly you here?
i get to love you, here and today.

yes please. 

have i told you i love you?

i feel like i’m 15 again and sitting at that fucking desk. the same one i always got interrogated at. oh god, that life. i was wrapped up in loving someone that was merely a pretty thing.

and here i am, again.

you’re beautiful. mind, body & soul.
but you’d never believe me.
even if i said it every day to you, until i die.

will i die beside you?

xxo. 

pursue a guy purely to make out, and you’ve caught ‘em. they are intrigued, end up falling and hitting a ledge. think it’s real. then they chase.

so don’t ask me why i was up to that shit for a year. it’s great to be wanted. by multiples. there was a time when i had a line of “hearts” that were attempting to be given, yet none of them knew that i couldn’t receive something that i didn’t know how to deal with myself.

i wanted to give all of me to every single one of them. but they didn’t get that. 

—

when you say Love, people think of every instance they’ve been embraced by such and burned and left for none. they don’t look at the here & now and realize that freely given, it can be the greatest healer and prettiest reality, ever.

—

so i go about my life telling people who are unaware how much i Love them. do they get it? no. am i crazy? no. but in their eyes, hell yes.

—

i love You.

i’m committed to this place for a year. that’s okay. i’ll live a year and see where it gets me i’m thinking i’m running straight for NYC once i’m out of it. even with schooling, who the fuck cares. doesn’t matter. i can run anywhere i want, whenever. but a year from now? i think i’ll be mine & settled and ready to spread my wings as far as they can breathe. perf.